Well hello there boys and girls, its your old pal stinky wiggle teeth……. Nah. Seriously its Gopher Guts here with my very first something awful writing.

 

I've been reading the paper for the last 2 months (as I did for 2 months before that, and the 2 months before

Here’s a club I wanna join………. NOT!!!

Incase you’re really stupid, this is S Club 7.

that, and the 2 months before that,  Im beginning to see a pattern here.). In the neighborhood pages that are usually filled with headlines like “God’s face seen in cheese at grocery store,” or “another city has filed for bankruptcy.” The paper also tries to include within it pictures of various high school clubs. Now after countless hours of research (which basically consisted of me sitting, eating something, and watching some show conceived by a man on some sort of mind altering drug), I have determined the following: Abington Heights has a lot of money, Scranton has a very small amount of money, and Bishop Hannan has more high school clubs then I’ve ever seen in my life.

Now what upsets me here isn’t clubs like the Student Council, something of which I’ve never been a member, or the Honor Society, the Earth Club, or Club 531 downtown, those are all perfectly legal clubs with a perfectly legal reason for being around, to make things that normally wouldn’t happen, happen. However, there are some clubs that shouldn’t be in existence, and all of them I’m proud, no wait, I’m not proud at all I hate those bastards, to say that Bishop Hannan has them all.

 

The Historical Club

Now here’s a club that at it’s surface appears to have lots of purpose. History is everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean it. Here are some places that you will find history, some you already know, and others will shock you.

Here we see evil Gene Rayburn reading something, He looks like he’s enjoying what it is. I bet it’s the sex textbook with the history in it, or maybe he’s planning his massive takeover if the world, like George Bush Jr. III Is Trying To Do.

Marc Summers, he’s been hosting game shows since the late 80’s, and as far as I’m concerned that’s more history than I can swallow.

Richard Dawson, an icon on Match Game and host of the original Family Feud knows more about the consumption of alcohol than the local homeless drunk does. I think somebody put something in the water.

Alan Luddon, Who Married Betty White, Hosted A Game Called Password. His glasses were so unbelievably huge that they took up the entire TV. If that’s not history I don’t know what is!


John Bucci’s Buccaneers

We all know who John Bucci is, how can you not? He’s the Hannan basketball coach who got caught “recruiting” players from other schools to join his army they like to call a team. He’s also the only basketball coach that makes over a gazillion dollars a year. Hey! You ever try to go shoot hoops at Hoop City? It’s 100 dollars a freakin hour, and that’s if your rich. The rest of us have to pay even more. He also weighs more than his entire team put together, and not to diss the fat man, no wait, what the hell I’ll diss him all I want. He’s the only coach I know that has trouble getting through the doorway of his gymnasium. For those Hannanites that I’ve offended by writing this, please send all your Flame mail here. If you actually clicked there I pity you fool, thank you and have a nice day.


Aboreum Loreum Sporoneum.

Okay I’ll be perfectly honest, I have no clue what that means at all, infact I don’t think it’s even Latin, but it’s a club at Hannan that studies Latin. They are so smart in that club, that when they get together, their combined SAT score comes out to be a number high than that of the distance between our planet and the moon. Incase you were wondering, that’s a shit load of distance. While they are studying their Latin, they like to translate it. Here are some translations from their last meeting:


 


This, my friends, is Cliff Yablonski, and he has a drinking problem.

I could go on, but the more I write the more I get the urge to eat an entire container of

goat cheese. Since I’m already fat I wont do that. As what I’ve just written shows, they have clubs that no other school in the entire world has, no wait, no other school in the entire universe. Since I am lazy and don’t like to do “research” I will just list them, and I will then decided if they are normal or if they are more insanely crazy than Cliff Yablonski. For those of you who have no idea who Cliff is, let me just tell you he hates you. He has never met you, but he hates you.





 

Here’s a man ready to join one of these crazy clubs, oh wait, he already has his own.

S.O.D.A (Students opposing drugs and alcohol): Normal club, every school has one

C.L.C (Christian Life Community): No way is this normal, it can’t be, the supreme court said so.

Student Council:

(Student Council): Every school has this, thus it is normal.

Language Clubs (French, Spanish, Biology): In Hannan Biology is a language.



Now if you’ve been doing your math, which I know you all have, because there are three math clubs at Hannan, you would have found that so far 80 people are an officer. How do I get 80 out of 10 clubs, simple. Here is how they break down their officers:

 

Since they want everyone to be an officer at this school, I’ve taken the liberty to come up with a few clubs of my own that should be added to their list of clubs. They follow.

Hannan Kennel Club (Or HKC For Short): The Bishop Hannan Kennel Club is a very simple club to setup, and you could have a thousand officers if you wanted too. (This way no one is left out). All this club involves is a lot of money, a lot of fencing, and a lot of dog food. However there are no dogs in this club, instead the dogs are replaced with robots that all look like either George W. “Bush” Bush Jr. IV or Dick Chimney. They also say the same damn thing over and over, “We are the young, we are the children.” Imagine 1000 robots singing that song at once.

Here’s who I want to lead my club man. He’ll save everybody.


Women In Thongs (WIT): This club is pretty straight forward, and to be in it there are

two requirements; A you must wear a thong all the time, and B you must b a lady. Now I’m sorry to turn away all you thong wearing men (god I hope you don’t really exist) but you can’t be in it.


Hannan Yachting Club (HYC): This club is pretty simple, you have to be rich, have a big boat, and have a lot of water to put the big boat in. Now you’re probably saying to yourself that you got the money, good for you I don’t, so give it all to me. Next you’re saying you’ve got the big boat. Great! I do too, it’s called my mom’s van. And finally you’ve got the large body of water. Well obviously you don’t live around here, b/c the closest thing to a big body of water we have just so happens to be an electric power plant, good luck putting your yacht on that sucker.


Well as you can see there are more options for clubs than Hannan even can understand, but I don’t know why they’d want to understand it. They got too many as it is, and that’s only because they need to make very god damned student there an officer so they don’t feel left out, something about equal treatment or some shit like that. All I have to say is watch out for them man, they’re going to take over the world, and they’re going to to force us to eat goat cheese.